Whenever I find myself wanting to place a value on a member of the opposite sex and base that value on superficial, genetic, physical characteristics that no one has any control over, I like to think of myself as being rather unorthodox. You see, some guys T, some guys like A, but me? What do I like on a woman? What woman’s body part is enough to make me completely ignore her intellect, sense of humor and ethical values and focus solely on our innate biological desires to reproduce all over each other’s no-no parts? What do I like, man?
I like H.
Oh boy do I love me a good H. I’ve been known to walk across half the shopping mall to talk to a nice girl with a sweet H. Why, I’ve been known to swim many a mile to get to a comely lass with a tight H. In fact, it would not be at all uncouth of me to say that my first masturbatory experience was when I caught a glimpse of Mrs. Ford’s toned and tanned H’s, and the most bedeviling feeling came over me. I rushed home that afternoon, probably never ran so fast before or since, ran upstairs to the guest house bathroom, and went all Judge Reinhold on my Ridgemont High.
I pulled my pud, in case you were wondering what that 80’s teenage angst comedy reference was about.
Anyway, the point of this tale isn’t to revel in my youthful self-gratification, but rather to exonerate the glorious female H. Sometimes, I buy magazines and cut out pictures around hot women’s H’s. I know, that sounds kind of weird, but I promise, it’s just because a well-defined H can would drive an poor boy insane! And if we as a society are going to objectify an entire gender to the point that it is literally impossible to find a Halloween costume for them that doesn’t contain the words “naughty,” “sexy,” “diry,” or “throwing her shit at you,” then why can’t we dine on the entire menu, instead of just feasting on breasts and rumps?
I was in a new wave goth band once called “Breasts and Rumps,” but we eventually changed names and became The Dave Clark Five.
Now, I know that in this digital age we live in, I will not have your attention for very much longer. And frankly, the pot I smoked twenty minutes before I started telling you all about H’s has started to really take hold, and I kind of just want more sparkling water and almonds right now, more than anything. So let me just show you what I mean, when I talk about a how hot a woman’s H can really be.
But I get it, some guys like to boil women down to their sexual attractiveness with more skin showing, so I got you H lovers covered!
You know what though? I totally get that some dudes just need to go full hardcore or it’s not worth it to them. So, this one’s for the guys who like to go “all the way” if you know what I mean.
So the next time you find yourself in the mood to distill a woman or a few women down to their qualities that most make you want to ram your horrible, vein-ridden, disgusting penis into their delicate, soft, beautiful flower, I do hope you’ll think about judging her based on what I do — her H.