Are you the worst human being ever? I’m pretty sure you are. Or, rather, I should say that I’m pretty sure I’m not. And if I’m not, then that only leaves you, and the roughly 5,999,999,998 people in the world not in this conversation thus far. But you know, maybe I’m being a little rash; maybe I’m rushing to judgment.
Let’s break it down. What exactly makes someone The Worst Human Being Ever? Isn’t it kind of a subjective, opinion-based thing like topics such as your favorite baseball team, movie, abortion, or your favorite candy bar?
Fuck no. Don’t be stupid. There’s no such thing as subjectivity; everything is black or white, fact or fiction, yes or no, right or wrong, left or right, fuck or suck, Ann Coulter or Human. Of course we can compile a definitive, inarguable list of the six most important things that make you the worst human being ever, and guess what? I did just that.
1. Wearing a T-shirt When You Should Have Worn a Collared Shirt/Wearing a Collared Shirt When You Should Have Worn a T-Shirt
Ugh. Figure it out guys. You have to know when and how to dress in every situation. Nothing makes you the Worst Human Being Ever quicker than over or under dressing. In fact, there are at least 22 states in this great nation that will put you in the stocks and flog you with a fish for not wearing the appropriate clothing to a business meeting, and in six states over dressing for a night out can get you straight-up executed in the street like a dog, or an unarmed black man. Seriously, get your shit together and make sure you dress fucking appropriately, jerks.
2. Having An Opinion — ANY Opinion
You know what they say about opinions and assholes, right? Well, as any good, decent human being knows, axioms and cliches are the only things you should live your life by. And that particular axiom is completely and utterly true. Your opinion is just like your asshole — it probably tastes good with whipped cream on it. Wait. No. The point is that you should just keep your stupid opinions to yourself, and no matter what, you should never, ever start a blog where you can vomit your thoughts and opinions into the digital ether, especially about politics. Eww.
3. Being a “Fan” of Anything in Popular Culture
You know being a “fan” means? It means being a “fanatic.” And do you know what “fanatic” means? It means fans found in attic, duh. Now, are fans found in the attic the worst kinds of fans you’ll ever come into contact with (besides San Francisco Giants fans, of course)? Of course they are. So when you give over to your baser human instincts and either “like” or “enjoy” something in pop culture, you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by a machine, man. That’s why I only like and am a fan of things that no one has heard of. Like the band Shit Sniffers. Have you ever heard of Shit Sniffers? Of course you haven’t, you hipster. But I have, so I’m better than you, which is obvious because you’re the Worst Human Beingin the World.
4. Driving a Car, Riding a Bicycle, or Walking
What kind of jerk-ass jerk goes out of his house this day and age? I’ll tell what kind of jerk-ass jerk goes out of his home this day and age — The Worst Human Being in the World. Everything is on fire, the world is falling apart, and from what we hear Han Solo might die in the next “Star Wars” film. If that’s not reason enough to just stay inside, close the doors, and wait for either the Rapture if you’re a Christian, or the Earth’s climate to shift to the point that it exterminates us thanks to our total lack of effort, our apathy, and our unwillingness to trust each other if you’re not.
5. Not Delivering On Something You Promised To Do
Nothing is worse than a person who can’t even do what they say they’re going to do. If you say you’re going to give someone five dollars, give them the finksy. If you say you’re going to clean someone’s pool for them, go get the skimmer, Buttermaker. This is honestly the worst thing that the worst people on Earth do. Don’t be a flake. If you say you’ll do a job, do that job.