I turned 35 about a week ago, and since I write articles on the Internet, that also means that I am now an expert on living life between the ages of 0 and 34. As such, that entitles me to write all kinds of preachy columns about what life is like, assuming of course that your life’s experiences and views will entirely match mine, making me look like an uber-genius writer guy. I’d like to write my debut life advice piece on a subject I wasn’t an expert on until I woke up the morning of my 35th birthday, having completed my early 30’s.
Your early 30’s a time of great growth and personal identification. You grow, you laugh, you discover 32 is indeed not too early to start growing grandpa levels of hair out of your ears and nose. It’s a transitional time for you, going from 30 years old to 35 years of age once it is done. You literally age five years in this time! But once you wake up on your 35th birthday, it really is time to start making a few changes, don’t you think? So here now are 5 Things You Should Never Do After Your Early 30’s.
#5. Masturbating Into Your Friends Favorite Baseball Hat
Look, I’m no stick in the mud. No one finds it funnier than I do when someone rubs out a salty surprise into one my favorite baseballier* caps…when the masturbator is 34 years or younger. It just seems a little bit wrong to do that once you’ve gotten past that natural stage when it’s a completely healthy way of playing a practical joke on your friends. Believe me, I’m sure that most if not all of us have jerked off into our friend’s baseball hat before, it’s just that the rest of us stopped doing that once we turned 35.
*French term for “baseball player.”
#4. Stealing Your Neighbor’s Kids’ Big Wheel
Far be it for me to judge. I was stealing my neighbors’ ride-on toys until I was around 33 or so. Them putting up a camera and a fence and taking out a restraining order really put a cramp in my petty theft, that’s for sure. So hey, enjoy stealing toys from kids all you can for ages 30-34, because it just doesn’t feel the same after that.
#3. Watching Your Friends Have Sex (Without Telling Them)
If you’re invited, it’s totally fine to watch your friends have sex. Depending on your friend’s “ability to fuck” you may actually pick up some good tips for the next time you’re lucky enough to find yourself in an explicit, hardcore, nudity-involved sexual situation. But take it from me — once you turn 35, it’s really creepy to sneak up on your friends having sex and watch them quietly, breathing lightly but rapidly in their ears. It’s really not a big deal before that, I know, so it might come as a shock to read that you shouldn’t do it once you turn 35. But alas, I realllllllllyyyyy think you should take my advice here.
#2. Putting the Toilet Seat Back Down When You’re Done
I guess this only applies to people who pee standing up. Or I guess if you’re one of those standing shitters I keep hearing about in the Internet. But the point is that once you hit 35, you need to stop being polite, and a great place to start is with little common courtesies that we all kind of take for granted. Have you ever been around a cranky old person? You don’t think they woke up pissed off at their impending death do you? NO. It took years of life just wearing down their ability to find any fucks to give, and they all started by abandoning common courtesy. So get it on, punk, and get off my lawn while you’re at it.
#1. Embezzling Money From Your Friend’s Landscaping Business to Buy Vintage “Star Wars” Action Figures
Truthfully, I don’t think very many people do this last one…but I did. So I’d like to just use this space right now to say something really quickly, to my friend Tom about his landscaping business and my vintage “Star Wars” action figures.
Tom — Been thinking about it, and no, you can’t have my Han and Chewie. You can’t even touch them. They’re Mint On Card; you understand. Also — reallllllly sorry about that embezzling thing; you understand.