Alcohol. It makes things amazing. You feel invincible when you drink it. You feel uninhibited by the trappings of self-doubt, self-control, and self-moderation. It is literally the best poison you could possibly imbibe, and there are literally no negative consequences that I can think of at the moment to drinking as much and as often as you want…besides all the like “medical” and “health” related problems you get from drinking too much, of course. Some might argue that a hangover might be considered a negative consequence to drinking alcohol, but that’s only because those people are stupid and don’t know any of these sure-fire ways to cure a hangover.
So take a couple aspirin, eat some greasy food, and read on below for 5 Sure-Fire Hangover Cures.
#5. Drink An Entire Gallon of Anti-Freeze!
Sure, everyone likes to suggest you drink a lot of water after a night of drinking to stave off a hangover. And while that might make sense because booze dehydrates you, and water would do the opposite, or as they say in science books, “un-dehydrate” you. But here’s the thing — if you’ve had too much to drink, chances are drinking a lot of water won’t stop you from getting that vicious headache the next day. But do you know what will? Anti-freeze of course! If it keeps engines from seizing in the cold, then surely it’ll keep you from getting a hangover! And since you’ve already sucked down six pints of gin, is a gallon of anti-freeze really going to hurt you?
Of course it will. But at least you won’t have a hangover, Billy!
WARNING: Side-effects may include dying, death, losing your life, perishing and/or loss of erectile function. See a doctor before drinking anti-freeze.
#4. Run a Marathon Before You Go To Bed!
Sure, maybe 2:30am on a Thursday night is a terrible time to go out and drink until you can’t see straight, but it’s also a great time to run a couple dozen miles. Luckily for you, running a full, 26.2 mile marathon has been scientifically proven to be the equivalent of running a little over 26 miles. What does this mean for your hangover? Probably nothing, but at this point what are you going to do about it, Lushy?
#3. For Every Drink, Also Eat One Ghost Pepper
A lot of people will tell you to temper your alcohol with water throughout the night and you’ll avoid a hangover. While this may be true, the reality is that you may not get blindingly drunk enough to go home with whomever is willing to put up with you being an emotional, sloppy, hungry mess that will sleep with them, eat all their Cheerios, smoke half their pot, and then never call them again out of both shame and ironic pride. I have a better idea for you — eat a ghost pepper every time you have a drink. If you do a shot of rum, drop a ghost pepper into your mouth. You’ll still get drunk, and here’s the best part — the insane diarrhea you’ll have will keep you awake for a few days and when you’re finally done shitting your body weight in liquid, you’ll be all, “Hangover? What hangover?”
#2. Make a Fresh Pot of Coffee and Give Yourself an Enema
Nothing will flush out the toxins faster than a nice, fresh cup o’ Joe…shot up your cornhole. It’s true. I’ve had at least 20 coffee enemas/just had someone spit their coffee up my bung and I have to say that if I had ever been in the middle of a hangover, that there is a pretty good chance that at the very least it would have been something to make me feel like the hangover was the least of my worries. And there is really nothing in the world like a quivering, over-caffeinated sphincter. Nothing.
#1. Eat a Case of Jell-O Pudding Pops as Burritos, Vomit, Repeat
Oh sure, you’re probably really mad that you got all the way to the end of this list and I gave you probably the most well-known and probably cliché hangover cure of all time. I mean, who in the world didn’t learn about having Pudding Popritos to cure a hangover from their mom when they went away to college, right? Well, I’m sorry, but sometimes you just can’t mess with a classic, and Pudding Popritos are just exactly that — a classic that everyone knows and loves very, very much.