You’re bold. You’re daring. You like to try new shit, man. You’re hip. You’re with it. You’re not tied down by convention, mama. You fear no taboo, and you pull not a single punch. You put yourself out there on the edge, and there’s no shame in your game. You want to fuck someone other than your significant other with your significant other in the room with you while they fuck someone else too — that’s how hard-fuckin’-core you are.
Luckily for you, scientists at the Bobby Tatty University of Sexual Research just published the findings from their most recent study, which was done on the lifestyle known as “swinging,” or “swapping,” or “fucking someone other than your significant other with your significant other in the room with you while they fuck someone else too.” In the report, entitled “Swinging: An Inside Look at The People Who Are Currently Fucking Someone Other Than Their Significant Other With Their Significant Other in the Room With Them While They Fuck Someone Else Too,” one section deals entirely with how partners were able to convince their significant other to partake of the Swinger lifestyle. Below are five of the methods of convincing that the BTUSR found worked most often in convincing someone to participate in a partner-swap.
#1. Remind Your Significant Other That We’re All Going to Die One Day Anyway
Sure, maybe it sounds a bit morbid to bring up death when you’re trying to propose a hot, passionate night of meaningless sex with people you may have to look in the eye at parties and Little League functions later, but let’s face it — everyone dies. So in the end, does anything that we do really matter? When you add in the fact that humanity is probably doomed to kill itself off in some horrible mass extinction brought on by the beautiful cocktail of apathy and hostility toward those we disagree with that are signature hallmarks of the human condition, and you can easily see how we’re all pretty much fucked anyway…so why not fuck other people in front of each other, right? Right.
#2.Take Your Significant Other Out to a Special Dinner, and Then Give Them an Ultimatum
If there’s one thing that human beings always respond receptively to, it’s coercion and emotional blackmail! How else do you think at least 65% of the films and TV shows that get produced get approved? But forcing someone by way of making them feel guilty for their own decisions and then making them choose between your decision for them or ending the relationship is also really sexy! People just love being strong-armed into extremely intimate and personal interactions with other people, especially when graphic nudity and strong sexual content is involved!
So take your partner out for a nice dinner, sit them down, and say to them, “I love you, but if you don’t agree to do sex stuff with other people while I do sex stuff with other people in front of you, we’re through!” We think you’ll just love the results!
#3.Bake Your Significant Other a Delicious Pie, and Drug It!
Sure, you are absolutely going to spend quite a few years in prison once your significant other wakes up. You are pretty much the most horrible person on the planet for doing this. But it’s hard having adult conversations about adult things, huh? So why not take a load of your mind, and drug your loving, caring, life mate out of theirs? Oh right, because it’s illegal. Well…fuck.
#4. Convince Your Significant Other That Stability in a Relationship Is Totes Overrated
Admittedly, this one’s going to be a tough sell. However, research has shown a lot of people have terrible relationships in their late adolescent and early adult years that precondition them into thinking that strife, drama and instability are all completely normal in a relationship. So chances are you both you and your partner are already on some level addicted to the turmoil that life in a monogamous relationship can have when it’s not of a sexual nature. Just imagine how great it could be when you do add in some tension over doing it!
#5. Tell Your Friends Your New Girlfriend — Who They Haven’t Met Yet — Wants to Swing, But Then Just Show Up Single and See If You Can Fuck Your Friend’s Significant Other Anyway
Don’t let the fact that you technically “don’t have a significant other” get in the way of your desire for a little lighthearted debauchery. It’s not so far-fetched if you just tell them when you get there that you and Claudia — that’ll make her sound European, and we all know that orgies are subsidized by taxes over there in Socialist Europe — got into a huge fight on the way over and she broke up with you. Tell them you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable and ask them to hold you. Either one. Then, just sit back and wait for the fuckin’. Or for them to call you a cab so you can go home and masturbate in your studio apartment. Either way: you win!