The Four Best Texts to Send Your Lover to Get Them Into the Mood

You’re horny, and who could blame you? You’re a hot, twenty/thirty/forty/fifty/sixty/seventy/eww/gross/fucking stop it already-year-old and you are entitled to that sweet, sweet bone-doggin’. But you’re not sure if your lover is going to be “in the mood” for it or not. You want to help spark the flame, but you also don’t want to be too creepy because then you just look gross, and the only gross people who get laid anymore are the Duggars, but that’s only because they’re contractually obligated to breed children like little, fundie rabits.

Don’t get down, you’re in luck! You live in the digital age, and such, you can text your lover to get them into the mood. Because nothing gets people hotter than a digital message with some hastily strewn together characters that completely ignore all normal grammatical traditions such as “complete sentences” and “spelling shit remotely right.” So here now are four of the best texts you can send to your love to get them into the mood.

#4. Are We Still a “Yes” On Proposition Boning One Out While We Watch Colbert?

It’s direct. It’s sassy. It correctly states that two of you will be watching “Late Show With Steven Colbert.” And it references our civic duty to our own representative democracy to vote in free and fair democratic-style elections. So what else could you possibly need to get laid? Send that text!

#3. 8======)~~~~~

Granted, for this one, it’s assuming you either have a penis, or you want to do things with a penis. Since I’m not one to judge or really care what two or more adults do in the bedroom with the lights out to make them all go “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,” you can ignore this text if penises (penai? penici?) aren’t your thing. If they are your thing, or you have one, then I probably don’t even need to explain much more about this one since you already saw it and immediately knew how perfect it would be to text to your lover to get them hot under the collar.

#2. Just Text Them a Picture of Your Junk and 10 Heart Emojis

Why not just get right to it? Everyone knows the most sensual, erotic, and intimate thing you can do is upload a digital image of your genitalia to a random server in your cellular company’s cloud, then have that picture beamed to your significant other’s mobile device where they can open it and see exactly what your genitalia looks like. I mean, how did people even fuck back in the day without the ability to send pictures of their parts to one another?! Sounds absolutely barbaric doesn’t it?

#1. The Last Thing In the World I’d Ever Want Is to Fuck You

Reverse psychology, baby! That’s the name of the game with this one. Of course you really want them to fuck you, but being direct with your lover is for the birds, am I right? Of course I am, I’m a writer, I’m right about everything! So the next time you’re feeling like spicing things up, take out your phone, and make it very clear to your partner you want to fuck their brains out by telling them under no uncertain terms would you ever fuck them. You’ll thank me later, I promise!

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