Dave 2016 Fit Blog: Week One- This Sucks!!!

This fucking sucks.

This sucks balls so profound that there is not a wrinkle on the encasing scrotal sack.

I want to do what I want. !!!

I need to eat horrid fast food.  Deep-flash-fried cheese curds soaked in bacon gravy poured over sausages the size of walrus dicks. Pints of small batch ice cream with bits of chocolate-covered salted caramel chips and a marshmallow ganache core. Family-sized bags of Salt Lick flavored kettle chips. And tacos. All the goddamn tacos.

But I can’t.

I want to drink all the drank. I want to shotgun cans of Modelo hovered over a sink. I want to chug moonshine that tastes like electric, corn-infused piss. I want to lick some sippin’ whiskey. I want to “taste” some fine wine until I’ve “swallowed” it. I need to go to 9 hour long craft beer festivals where you can get drunk for a month if you simply collected the sour ale drippings from all the hipster beards in attendance.
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I want to just do what I want.

But I can’t.

I’ve been doing this all for years. Decades. The course is ran and I don’t feel very good.

40 years. That’s how old I am despite the denial and the fact that I’m mentally stunted with the sensibilities of a 15 year old still enamored with boobs. That’s right: boobs. I keep it classy.

But I’m a dad. Old-ass dad with a two year old and a four year old. And my fat, drunk ass has to keep up. Can’t sit in the bleachers with my Slurpee watching the show. I am a cast member.

So it’s time to get serious. For the last time. I’ve cycled this shit about 24 times. Be bad for a [long] while then be a good boy. 20 pounds on, 8 off. 13 on, 6 off. You notice the trend line. I’m expanding.

So week one of Dave 2016 has past. I ate like an anorexic bird. I kicked boxed and beat the shit out of my shadow. I ran and climbed and bitched about it the entire time.

Results:  I lost an official 7 pounds. I can see the very tip of my dick over my mound of belly fat if I use a mirror and stretch it until it’s about to snap. That’s a win.

If you are wondering how I’m doing it here is my fit tip for the week.

Tip #1 – Burn more calories than you eat and don’t freebase 93 proof liquor.

Here’s to the beginning of the end again. Let’s watch it stick.

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