We Are All Made Of Tacos

I am not a scientist. In fact, I got barely passing grades in every science class I took beyond middle school.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not stupid. I “get” stuff. Even science stuff. I was just, for lack of a better way to put it, totally disengaged from formal education at the most important and critical time in my life. Luckily though, for me at least, I always loved science, and I’ve learned quite a lot in my adult years that I probably could have or really should have learned in school. For instance, I know that all of us, every one of us, is made of tacos.

Let me explain this to you, in case you, like me at one time in my younger days, are not hip to sciencey stuff.

You see, every atom that makes up everything in this universe that has been or ever will be comes from the same place — the Big Bang. In that moment, when the existence we know started coming to fruition, literally everything was there to begin with. We all have particles within us that go back to the Big Bang, all of us.

One could argue from a certain point of view that we really are tied and related to each other through the Big Bang. The fact that the atoms that form the building blocks for our bodies were possibly bunched up right next to Einstein’s atoms, or Babe Ruth’s, or Jan Michael Vincent’s is quite mind blowing, isn’t it? There’s a deep, true, existential connection between all of us. And this doesn’t just hold true for humans, or even animals.

It holds true for tacos.

Every atom in every taco that has been or will be eaten comes from the Big Bang as well. There is not a chicken, carne asada, al carbon, or carnitas taco out there that doesn’t get its atoms from the Big Bang. You can’t go to your local taco truck and order a Big Bang-free taco. No! You order tacos, then by God, Billy, you’re getting a taco literally made of the Big Bang.

Ergo, and I’m pretty sure any legitimate scientist will tell you this — we’re all made of tacos. It’s the inverse property of something or another, I’m sure. Follow my logic here.

  • All atoms come from the Big Bang
  • All tacos are made of atoms
  • Everything is made of atoms
  • Everything is made of tacos

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go apply for my Nobel Prize in Taco Theory. Later, Small Timers!


You can read James’ stupid satirical news items on Alternative Facts or The Political Garbage Chute.  

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